1) Increase Consumption of Cancer Fighting Tomato juice
A Bloody Mary a day keeps the Doctor away!
At least that's what my dad said before
dying in that car accident.
Jazz up the V8 and live longer.
2) Quiet Your Annoying sniffling Kid at Night
If you run out of Baby Nyquil one
night why spend gas money
going to Rite Aid before the next day?
Cut down on your carbon footprint
by using that bottle you always
have on hand. Vodka will keep any pesky
baby quiet all night in a happy slumber.
How do you think the Soviets survived
influenza in communal apartments?
3) Save a bad marriage
Helps any bad marriage last longer
than it should. Stay married the old fashioned
way and have a martini
before you even get home after work.
4) Clean Your Water Pipe
Or other glassware in the home...Vodka sterilizes
everything. Get a little pocket bottle so you
can sterilize in the car in
an alley, whenever you are on the run!
5) Wash wine stains out of your new white couch
Yes - Vodka is a miracle fabric cleaner.
After that next blur of a party just pour
some Giorgi on your couch and rub off the
wine stain with some recycled paper towels.
Forget about the toxic Fabreeze too.
There's nothing sweeter than the smell
of Vodka when you want to lie down and
chill in front of the flat screen.
6) Practice Your Russian
Studies have shown that drinking shots
of Vodka increases aptitude for Slavic
languages. Go for it comrade!
Drink up. Soon you'll be
starting Green Drinks, Moscow, and
speaking Russian like Vladimir Putin.
7) Lower Blood Pressure by Increased Procrastination
Nothing works better than a wasted evening and a
good hangover to put off those
stressful work things you know you need
to get done. Stop having a heart attack trying
to climb and claw your way to the top of
the heap 24/7. Have a double, put your
feet up and watch all the other rats racing
on the treadmills and having
nervous breakdowns and divorces because
they work too much. And for Health's sake -
Don't forget the fair trade organic
olives and the twist.
2 comments:
You forgot one, I find brushing with a little Kettle One instead of tooth paste cleans the muck off my teeth
Dear Tommy P
Indeed I forgot that important use of Vodka. I have also found that the new Johnny Walker Red organic "mouth wash" is wonderful too. MAke sure you don;t leave the water running while you are brushing your teeth. We don't wnat to run out of all that water we need to distill the green hooch.
Yours,
MrGreenie
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